In a developing story out of New York City, a sentient bedbug has made it clear that free speech remains a fundamental right.
“Free speech is a right guaranteed by our constitution,” said the literal bedbug, who for some reason, is still a columnist for the New York Times. “Even when the speech is not what we want to hear, the right remains.”
The strangely human-like bedbug has been a champion of free speech for many years, his public advocacy ranging from tweeting his opinions on the matter to writing multiple op-eds in favor of it, with his distinct focus being on how free speech should still be legal and acceptable – even when it offends.
“The right to offend is the most precious right,” said the bedbug, who thrives off the blood of others, yet is surprisingly very sensitive. “Without it, free speech is meaningless.”
The tiny, uncannily person-like bloodsucking parasite has also expressed his distaste for one’s protected speech being used as a weapon in their personal lives, such as to get them fired from their job and affect their livelihood.
“We cannot uphold our nation’s foundation of free speech if we use it to destroy a speaker’s life,” the bedbug asserted, before giving a fellow journalist’s leg three pinhead-sized bites in a line. “It goes against our fundamental values as a country if we allow mere words to offend us so deeply that we are moved to ruin someone’s career over it.”
That point, the disgusting bedbug insisted, is the most important one for him to consider as a journalist in a nation that guarantees he can say what needs to be said without fear of reproach.
“Even calling someone a name is protected speech,” said the literal bedbug, while leaving a tiny blood poop stain on an office chair. “Sure, slurs may be hurtful, they may even be demeaning, but they are legal and must not cause personal ramifications for the slur speaker.”
“Unless you’re calling me a bedbug,” he added, bedbugly. “That is the equivalent of the Holocaust.”
