Watch out, SNL: we found out who you need to hire next year…and it’s not the following five women. They’re certainly going to not win you over with their cheeky wit, their looks, or their knee-slapping brilliance. That’s because they don’t have any. There are a lot of funny ladies out there, and these gals aren’t any of them. Take a look at some of the hottest lady comedians NOT to look out for in 2014:
Fipps is a New York native who stars in sketches for the niche comedy website, BlowMe, and has over 1,000 followers on Twitter. She loves to tweet about unique things like how hilarious it is to be single and sad, how hilarious it is to go on bad dates, and how hilarious it is to get her monthly cycle.
Colomb is a five-time Female Artists Rule Television (FART) award nominee. She was a runner-up on a local version of Last Comic Standing that only airs in Toronto, Ontario, where she ousted the competition with her cynical routine about how easy it is to break smart phones. “I’m not kidding, I’m on my fifth iPhone,” Colomb says in her routine. “The first one smashed on the pavement, the second one melted next to the stove, and the last two I just keep around till the fifth one breaks.”
Known for her larger-than-life looks and persona, the one-name-only Enigma is a 32-year-old self-proclaimed “boisterous bitch” who haunts comedy venues around L.A. Enigma is best known for her catchphrase, “You munch the carpet, you buy the carpet,” which is oft said during her 20-minute bit about cunnilingus. Her comedy album, “You Bitcha Ass I Will” is on sale outside the Sunset Boulevard In ‘n’ Out Burger where she is holding the last and only fifteen copies.
At 25, Parsley is the youngest, sweetest prop comic in the Greater Detroit area. She first hit it big at age 14, when she won a middle-school talent contest. Parsley’s most-famous bit consists of her pulling out a giant house-phone receiver, putting it to her ear, and saying, “Hang on, I have to call my mom and let her know I’ll be late for curfew.” She then waits in silence for three minutes before saying, “I’ll just leave a massage,” at which point she pours oil on her hands and starts giving the phone a mock rubdown.
Tempe is an up-and-coming observational comic in Miami, Florida, who loves jokes about airplane food, buttholes, and the Chinese. The 44-year-old mother of two says she’d move to New York to pursue her dream, if only she were younger, childless, and had not spent her mortgage money on failed couponing outings. You would love her YouTube page (ShankYouWerryMuch) if you’re slightly out of touch, racist, and/or an out-of-touch racist.