Fear of Coronavirus Finally Edges Out Fear of Toxic Shock Syndrome  

In a bit of uplifting news out of Chicago, it has been confirmed by 25-year-old Brianna Perez that the fear of contracting coronavirus has officially edged out her fear of developing toxic shock syndrome.


“I’ve spent so long fretting every time I get my period,” said Brianna. “I’ve been convinced I was gonna leave a tampon in for one second too long since I was 11. I’m thrilled to finally have something else scary enough to worry about.”


Brianna went on to explain her disease-related elation.


“For a while, I tried using pads, then a diva cup, even just free bleeding during my time of the month because I was so scared,” said Brianna. “It felt like 5-7 days of my month was completely consumed by terror about toxic shock syndrome. Now, that’s completely overshadowed by wearing a mask every day consumed by terror about coronavirus.”


“It’s kind of a nice break if you can believe,” she added.



Brianna’s friends are relieved for her.


“It seemed like every month since we were kids, she was majorly freaking out,” said Sarah Cunningham. “She changed her tampon like every hour on the hour. But now, it’s this constant but lowkey anxiety. It’s actually much more manageable.”


“Yeah, I’m excited for her to have her life back,” said Tavi Wormsen. “I mean, not all the way obviously, because she’s been washing her hands incessantly and holding her breath to make sure she doesn’t cough every 20 minutes or so. But it’s a nice distraction from hearing about the tampon thing again.”


“It’s so nice to be able to stop spending so much money on pads and start spending that money on toilet paper,” added Brianna.