Family Fears Mom’s Wine Drinking Getting Clichéd

In a demonstration of the toll substance abuse can take on loved ones, the Canon family is reportedly concerned that their mom Donna’s wine drinking is becoming clichéd.



“Growing up, I remember my mom would have a glass of wine with dinner maybe,” says Donna’s daughter, Marissa Canon. “But now it seems like every time I see her, she’s got a glass of Pinot Grigio in her hand like some sort of exasperated sitcom mom. I can’t help but worry the situation is becoming a little played out.”


Tensions regarding Donna’s drinking came to a head over the holidays as the family gathered in their Long Island home to celebrate and spend quality time with one another.


“I knew things might be more serious than I’d realized when I walked into the kitchen at 3 p.m. and saw her talking shit about my aunt on the phone, sloshing around a glass of rosé,” says Donna’s son, Michael Canon. “That’s when I looked over to the sink and saw it: A wooden sign reading, ‘I cook with wine…sometimes I even put in the food.’”


Michael is still visibly upset replaying the events.


“A funny wine sign?” Michael says. “I mean, there were kids in the house. “


Marissa agrees that Donna’s drinking is becoming increasingly difficult to navigate.


“It seems like her wine glasses are somehow always getting bigger?” Marissa observes. “The other day I saw her muttering at her computer with a glass the size of her head. I went to ask if she had ‘enough wine there’ in a jokey manner but with a subtext that implies seriousness, but the words stuck in my throat. I know she has a problem, but I resent her for baiting me into such an overdone exchange.”


While those closest to her fear Donna’s consumption is unsustainably unoriginal, others have voiced differing views.


“Donna has a drinking problem,” says daughter-in-law Rebecca Wan. “She needs help, support, and intervention. How do her kids not see that? The other day they said something about getting her into whisky in order to change the narrative.”



At press time, Michael and Marissa listened in as Rebecca confronted an agitated and perennially wine-drunk Donna.


“God, I just hope she doesn’t throw that pinot in Rebecca’s face,” says Michael. “This whole thing is trite enough as is.”