It happens to all of us: you sit down on toilet to do number-two and think, “What was that?! Am I peeing out of my butt? It’s flowing out like water! That’s gotta be pee, but it’s coming out of my butt!” Well ladies, it’s not pee, but it’s darn close. And if you’re anything like me, you wish it could happen more often, and on purpose. Here are some ways to get back that healthy peeing-out-your-butt feeling.
1. Eat Raw
Eating exclusively raw foods such as fruit, nuts, whole grains and sprouts can boost the natural enzymes in your body, making you feel energized, healthy and refreshed. It’ll also organically catalyze some pretty wretched diarrhea, having you peeing out of your butt in no time.
2. Drink Laxative Tea
If your bowels are irregular, laxative tea is a great way to stimulate them and cleanse the body of toxins. Plus, you’ll totally pee out your butt.
3. Contract A Stomach Virus
Those 24-hour viruses can be a real pain. But sometimes peeing out your butt is just what the doctor ordered!
4. Get Food Poisoning
Food poisoning might sound scary, but it’s also an excellent source of peeing out of your butt. Consider trying some old fruit, or a swollen old can of food. A good strain of botulism will have you peeing out of your butt faster than you can say: “call an ambulance.”
5. Have Your Stomach Stapled and Then Eat Too Much
If you are severely overweight, a surgical weight loss method might help you jumpstart a new healthy lifestyle. If you overtax your new, tiny stomach, you’ll find yourself peeing out of your butt like an old pro!
6. Go On a Juice Cleanse
Jump-start your summer diet with a good old-fashioned lemon and cayenne pee-out-your-butt juice cleanse, then just keep peeing out of your butt.
7. Seal Up Your Vagina
Re-route that pee so that it has nowhere to go but buttwards!