In a story coming out of the living room of a shared five-bedroom apartment in Boston, MA, 26-year-old Maya Anderson just watched a documentary about killer whales held in captivity, which means it’ll be her only interest for the next week and a bit.
“Did you know that Orcas are technically members of the dolphin family, not whales as the name may falsely suggest?” Maya told reporters who hadn’t even asked. “Well, all dolphins are whales, so they’re technically whales, but more specifically, they are dolphins.”
All this information comes from the three-part docu-series Maya watched over the weekend while she was avoiding doing her work, but reporters confirm she presented it as if she’s miraculously learned this info on her own.
“I’ve always been interested in killer whales,” Maya continued, making it seem like she watched the documentary by choice instead of reluctantly settling on it Friday night, then compulsively watching the rest because it was actually kind of good. “They can migrate for thousands of kilometers, so keeping them in captivity is obviously a recipe for disaster.”
Maya adopted an extremely knowledgeable, academic tone even though reporters could clearly see her computer was open to a google search for “fun orca facts.”
“I have never heard Maya talk about orcas even once,” said Maya’s roommate, Trey Green. “But she walked out of her room Sunday morning spouting an impassioned speech about how cruel it is to keep orcas in aquariums, and how anyone with a soul would demand their release immediately. Where is this coming from?”
Reporters are confident it is coming from the docu-series and nowhere else. Still, Maya will make killer whales the topic of every conversation she has for the next seven days, whether she’s making small talk at an office party or wishing her mother a happy birthday.
“Now that I’ve been awakened to the plight of the orcas, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go back to living in willful ignorance,” Maya said Tuesday night when her date asked where she was from. “So, in many ways, it doesn’t matter where I’m from. It matters where we, as a society, are going from here.”
As of press time, Maya was in the process of screening another documentary – this time about the troubled teen industry – which signaled the “changing of the guard” so to speak, among her interests. She will spend the next week going down a Wikipedia hole about “wilderness therapy,” and reporters suspect she will never talk about killer whales again.
