After a grueling and heart-wrenching divorce, Mom recently confirmed that divorce has done wonders for her life in general, and more specifically her sex life, and more specifically the weird shit.
“I feel weightless and free,” says Mom, wearing one of her new infinity scarves, “partially because I spent the evening chained to a locker.”
Mom reports feeling “younger than ever” and “juiced up, like a spring chicken fresh off an orgasm.”
Although her 20-year marriage to Dad came with its upsides, mom has communicated she just can’t get enough of the “weird new sex stuff that’s out there nowadays” which is completely terrifying to think about, and sources wonder why can’t she just keep it to herself? We like knowing she’s happy, but Jesus, have some boundaries.
“Oh, I can’t tell you enough how good it feels to get my body roughed up!” Mom explains without having been asked. “The men I’ve been meeting are so much more emotionally and sexually open. Did you know BDSM actually increases your mental health?”
Sources are like, fuck, we’re eating..
Though the divorce finalized only six months ago, Mom claims she’s had absolutely no problems finding creepy large amounts of dates and sexual partners online, and seems to have procured a super impressive rotation of men she meets up with to chat, talk, laugh, and “get it in” with.
“Mom’s really discovering her own insatiable sexual identity,” says your sister, avoiding eye contact. “Even though it’s honestly the weirdest, most perverted thing I’ve had to hear about, she seems really happy and physically revived. It’s horrifying.”
Despite her children’s discomfort and resulting trauma, Mom has proudly declared she’ll continue to embrace the newfound sexual freedom she’s found post-divorce.
“I can’t wait to try the slapping thing,” says Mom to her son and two daughters. “That looks like fun; have any of you guys tried it yet?”
