Local Woman Wins Stress-Eating Contest

The third annual Häagen Dazs-Frito Lay Stress-Eating Contest was held this weekend at Morgantown County Fair in Morgantown, West Virginia. Eight competitors from the area took their places on the stage with one goal in mind: to stress-eat heaping piles of food until their feelings went away. But only one woman would come out on top: head server at Rocky’s Water Hole and recent, Mica Sullivan.


“I fucking deserve better, you know?” said Sullivan, in a rambling Facebook status posted at 3:14 this morning as she scraped the bottom of a bag of chips. “He’s trash.”


Ms. Sullivan demolished her competition by taking only 12 minutes to eat the entirety of her feelings.


“It was spectacular. I’ve never seen anything like it,” says contest coordinator, Martha Dietsche. “She truly had a lot of feelings.”


Sullivan spoke to the press after the event about the key to her success. “Jonny fucking knows I hate that tramp, and he still went bowling with her.” she added, finishing a box of Special K bars. “Who does that?”



The aforementioned ex was in the attendance to give her fuel for the event. She had a solid lead through the first ten minutes, but when she overheard Jonny taking credit for her success, saying he’s the one that made her the sad food monster she is today, Sullivan was able to rapidly take down that last mixing bowl of mac and cheese.


“I’m so nauseous,” admits the record-breaking champion. “I thought that entire batch of cookies would do me in, but I powered through to the nacho platter. Those were actually…” Sullivan cut herself off here, noticing that Jonny was sitting with his new girlfriend.. Sullivan swiftly canvassed the stage and finished off her competitor’s leftover servings of Valentine’s candy.


“She’s always been a good eater,” says Sullivan’s mother, Tracey. “But especially when Jonny’s around.”


Sullivan’s feelings could not be reached for comment, as they have been eaten.