In absolutely soul-crushing news out of your aunt’s living room, it turns out that your Thanksgiving weed cousin has officially morphed into a Turkey Trot 5K cousin.
We’re so, so sorry for your loss.
While it’s true that you could get your own weed and smoke alone on a solitary walk prior to Thanksgiving dinner this year, it’s also true that the vibes are just irreparably damaged.
“Half the fun of it was looking at my cousin across the dinner table and knowing that we were both absolutely stoned,” you told reporters. “I only see my cousin once or twice a year — this is quite frankly the only way we bond.”
You added that, even though your cousin is still very much alive and probably healthier than ever, you still mourned them as if they were dead.
“They’re running 5Ks at 7:30 a.m. on a holiday break…they might as well be dead.”
Your cousin was shocked to hear how their transformation had impacted you.
“I thought they would be happy for me,” they told reporters. “Ever since I gave up weed for running, I’ve been happier and healthier than ever.”
Reporters agreed that your cousin did seem kind of annoying and preachy now.
“Right?” you said. “They’re like an entirely different person. Now who am I supposed to be giggly and out of it at Thanksgiving dinner with? Well, I guess there’s still my grandpa…but that’s different.”
However, in spite of your newfound differences, your cousin agreed that they would miss your long-held traditions as well.
“Yeah, I mean, there was something pretty magical about going for a long walk prior to Thanksgiving dinner, and arriving back, high as hell, to a full feast,” your cousin said. “It was like the work of fairies or something.”
The rest of your family said it was very much not “the work of fairies” and that they’re glad to see this tradition be left in the past, as it hopefully means you’ll actually help cook something this year.
However, as of press time, you and your cousin had decided to meet in the middle: you agreeing to smoke and run the 5K in the morning with them, and them agreeing to smoke before dinner with you. The rest of your family was still debating rescinding both of your invitations altogether.
