A statement from the Department of Transportation is causing outrage this morning, as Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg has maintained that it is still illegal to blast through a stop sign even if the song you’re listening to is really good.
The common reactionary sentiment among citizens is: “What the fuck? What kind of authoritarian fascist world are we living in?”
“I know that running through a stop sign at a brisk 45 miles per hour is wrong,” said local 24-year-old Leona Mills. “But I was listening to ‘HOT TO GO!’ by Chappell Roan, and something came over me! Since when is that a crime?”
According to the Department of Transportation, since forever.
“What,” she continued. “Am I supposed to stop right as it’s getting good?”
According to the Department of Transportation, yes, that is exactly what the sign conveys.
“We do not give a shit how good the song is,” local killjoy who moonlights as a traffic cop, Pierce Friedman, said. “Stop signs are stop signs for a reason! We at the Department of Transportation will put an end to Charli XCX-fueled pedestrian incidents.”
Sources confirm members of the department have never felt the bass line of “Vroom Vroom” banging in their chests while they approach a cross-street, which some residents are saying means they should not be allowed to have a say.
“I want a Department of Transportation member who understands what my experience is like,” Leona continued. “That is to say, I want someone who knows how good it feels to run a red when the beat drop hits in ‘THIQUE.’”
Reporters would like to reiterate that this is not a good idea and can cause bodily harm to those around you. They also reluctantly confirm the chorus to Crystal Waters’ “100% Pure Love” fucking rips.
“Saying you were ‘losing your shit to SOPHIE’ is not the airtight defense that many drivers think it is,” Pierce continued. “In fact, it’s kind of an admission of guilt. Stop saying this. Just say you lost control of your car! That’s a normal thing!”
He added that, conversely, closing your eyes to really take it in during a really devastating verse by Boygenius does not count as a valid defense either.
“It’s as if it’s illegal to be an American in goddamn America,” Leona countered. “What’s next? I can’t check my texts while I drive? I can’t sip a little White Claw to get me going?”
As of press time, Pierce mantains, “No. Absolutely not. No.”
