As long as I can remember, people have been jealous of me. I was beautiful, wealthy and successful at everything I tried. By 29, I had a loving husband, two beautiful sons, and an amazing career. Everything in my life was just…easy!
As Greg and the boys served me breakfast in bed on the morning of my 30th birthday, I wondered if my life was too perfect, almost boring. I spent an entire spa day thinking about it, until I decided it was time to for a real challenge. I knew I’d never be able to fully appreciate my amazing life if I didn’t understand the miserable depths at which so many others lived. For six months, I would become the ultimate trainwreck.
I started with the easy stuff – I quit checking emails, paying bills and cooking for the family. Who knew those three little changes would give me so much extra time! I filled it by reading celebrity gossip online and smoking the hash I purchased from the Korean boy who mows our lawn.
Then I started drinking excessively at overpriced clubs at least five times a week. Despite driving myself home from the bar every night, it actually took two whole weeks to get my first D.U.I! But when it finally happened, I felt my first real sense of accomplishment in years.
My little project really took off when I met Neil – a bearded, 30-something knife collector who still lived in his parents’ basement. I knew he was the exactly what a newly minted trainwreck like me needed to take it to the next level. Neil blew me off a lot, and it really hurt! But, he also introduced me to my greatest obsession – crack.
If you haven’t tried crack, you absolutely must. It literally changed my life. The numbing depression that occurs after the high wears off is the single most intense thing I’ve ever experienced. I felt like a new person!
Recently, my youngest wandered off while I was catnapping in my own vomit at the bottom of our stairwell. The police found him ten hours later at a rest stop, and Greg packed the boys’ bags and moved them out shortly thereafter. I forgot how gigantic my house is without toys littered everywhere!
The other night I drunkenly assaulted a police officer, so it turns out I get to finish out my experiment in a jail cell. Wow! But, once I’m out in 2-4 months, I don’t know, I might just keep going! It’s been a rich and rewarding experience so far!
