Highlighting the irony that pervades post-pandemic life, 26-year-old Gabby Holt just said, “Damn, remember when COVID was happening?” while seemingly unaware that it is currently happening, specifically to her.
“I can’t believe we’re so deep into 2024 already,” Gabby told her close friend, Lianne Fuentes, over lunch in extremely close quarters. “Four years since the beginning and end of the coronavirus pandemic! Wow. So thankful that we don’t have to worry about that anymore and never will again.”
A quick glance in Gabby’s direction gave reporters all the evidence they needed to confirm she currently has COVID-19, as she is coughing, sneezing, visibly sweating, and appears to shiver every 15 seconds.
Sources confirm Gabby almost postponed the lunch on account of her symptoms but quickly chalked it all up to “allergy season” even though she’s never had allergies before.
“Life in the times of COVID was so crazy,” Gabby continued, stifling a cough. “Never being sure if the person you were talking to might be sick, having to be super vigilant about testing yourself – what a headache! Not unlike the one I have now.”
At this point, Gabby took a bite of food from Lianne’s plate.
“Just because the W.H.O. Director General declared an end to the pandemic emergency on May 5, 2023, that doesn’t mean COVID itself is gone or that we can stop being vigilant about preventative measures,” said infectious diseases expert Tiara Wilkins. “For example, I’m pretty sure that girl has it right now.”
Tiara then pointed at Gabby, who was struggling to keep her eyes open, sneezed directed into her hand, then wiped it on her pants, touched her eyes, and used a touch screen to pay for lunch.
“I’m just glad we’re finally on the other side of all that,” said Tiara, who was right at the beginning of receiving a COVID infection at that moment. “It’s nice to know we don’t have to worry or test or wash our hands after we poop anymore.”
Sources confirm you should be and should have always been washing your hands after you poop, even if that is unrelated to the COVID stuff.
As of press time, Gabby had finished lunch and decided to take an at-home rapid test out of an excess of caution. The test came back negative, as it was expired, and she never tested again.
