When you can’t help but cry in public, the last thing you need is people staring at your snotty, swollen, embarrassingly emotive face. And there’s one thing that can distract from your hideous sobbing – great shoes! From getting dumped to getting fired, here’s a distracting shoe for every conspicuous meltdown:
“Last hired, first fired.” – The Awww-Inspiring Flat (Modcloth, $34.99)
You might be sobbing on a crowded subway car holding a box with your whole desk in it, but there’s nothing more sympathetic than a sweet lil’ panda to draw people’s looks away from your mucus-drenched face. With those adorable eyes to look into, no one will pay attention to your unemployed, sloppy wet mug rocking back and forth in the seat next to them.
“We’re pregnant!” – The Sexy Sneaker (Forever 21, $27.99)
Your sister’s millionth pregnancy may have rubbed salt in your wound of you feeling like a garbage person, but unlike her, who has a washer, dryer, and a full-time nanny, you still need to go out to do laundry. As long as you wear your sexy wedge-sneakers, no one at the laundromat will be the wiser to the muffled cries you’re stifling with the tiny sock you stole from her last baby. Those glammed-out trainers you’re sporting are enough to keep fellow laundromat-goers’ eyes off of your swollen red nose.
“I need space.” – The Wild Wedge (Envi Shoes, $153.97)
Perfect for binge-drinking after a breakup when you’re looking like you might actually kill a man, these glitterific wedges will demand people’s full attention, even when you’re covered in your own mimosa-vomit. One look at those decapitated Ken doll heads and all the women in the bathroom line will be wondering where you got ’em instead of wondering what’s wrong with you.
“Fluffy’s sick.” – The Classy Cryer (Bloomingdales, $192.50)
Perfect for the gal who “doesn’t normally do this,” these classic kicks with an updated twist will keep the quiet bookstore crowd at bay as you not-so-calmly receive a text from your roommate that says, “Your cat’s throwing up blood???” When you sprint to the exit whimpering and knocking card displays to the floor, even the most jaded employees will only think, “Now those are some nice shoes!”
So let the tears flow, ladies! With the right pair of shoes on your feet, nothing else can hurt you!
