In an unexpected transition, 24-year-old Alison Bryant is discovering that her go-to cry song, played when feeling a profound sense of loss and melancholy, is recently becoming her new go-to horny song.
Reportedly, Lana Del Rey’s “Dealer” used to be playing on-loop, full-blast, whenever Alison felt wronged by the world and wanted to sob her heart out. But these days, that same song is becoming her jam for when she’s feeling hot and bothered, had one too many glasses of wine, and fiending to be someone’s horny little minx.
“At first, I was like, wait, what is this song even making me feel right now? Why is my heart beating faster?” said Alison. “Am I in the mood to cry in a ball on my bedroom floor, or do I just want to be railed? It was honestly kind of confusing.”
“This song was playing during some of the lowest points in life,” said Alison. “But these days, something about those vocals just gets me revved up and ready to fuck.”
Sources say this song was Alison’s automatic choice on gloomy overcast days.
“It’s perfect for those afternoons when you just felt deeply empty inside,” she said. “Or, when you’re just dying to be deeply filled, by literally anything at all.”
According to reports, this is all very understandable, since the song’s effect is honestly kind of ambiguous.
“I used to know to leave her alone and give her space when this song was playing,” said Alison’s housemate Renee. “But these days, given the other sounds coming from her room, I really know to leave her alone.”
“Dealer” is now officially retired as the most-played song on Alison’s “sad bitch hours” playlist, and preparing to make the transition into her “private” playlist.
When asked to comment on the song’s graduation, songwriter Lana Del Rey said, “It’s an exciting promotion. I’m glad my song enjoyed a good run as Alison’s cry song, and expect it will continue to do great things as Alison’s new horny song.”
At press time, another one of Alison’s favorite cry songs, “Happiness is a Butterfly”, has made the transition to horny song as well.
“It’s like a sad horny though,” Alison told us.
