So it happened. You made the mistake you specifically told yourself not to make when your Instagram-stalking spiral began: you accidentally double-tapped and liked a super-old pic of a guy you only sort of know from 79 weeks ago. Sure you can unlike it, and maybe he won’t know, but there’s a good chance he already saw the notification. Now that your life is clearly over, here are the fastest and most soothing ways to just sit here and die, now that life is obviously no longer an option for you.
Stop avoiding danger.
As soon as that little Insta-heart glows red, you will feel the will to live suddenly leave your body. You will wish immediately for death. One easy way to achieve that deadness is to not stop anything that might kill you. Actively try to not avoid death. If you happen to be sitting outside after your fatal slip-of-the-thumb, let buses and cars barrel toward you without so much as a flinch of protest. Remember: You fear nothing because you have already experienced the worst life has to offer.
Quit breathing.
Breathing is exclusively for people who want to stay alive, and you don’t want that anymore because you liked an old photo and that’s a super weird thing to do. After all, you didn’t like a picture from last week, you liked a picture posted exactly 79 weeks ago, which reveals without deniability that you were scrolling through his profile for a disturbingly long time. Once you inevitably decide you can’t face it anymore, take your final breath and then stop breathing altogether. Allow the angel of death to take away your ability to do further harm to your dignity.
Just like everything.
Once you like an old Insta pic, you’re going to want to throw your phone out the window, then throw yourself out too. Fight that instinct of self-preservation through self-elimination and keep liking. Like every single picture of him from every day since he opened an account! Committing to your obsessive true self might bring the sweet relief of death more rapidly. Heck, maybe even move onto Twitter and Facebook. If your personal shame hasn’t killed you by that point, nothing will!
Do nothing.
You’ve already done too much. Just sit there and calmly allow the horror of your life to wash over you. Bid farewell to your friends and family, who wouldn’t love you if they knew what a monster you have become. Just like those monks who lock themselves in a tomb and meditate until they self-mummify, you can just sit there until death eventually finds you. You’ll die eventually. Hopefully.
Next time you make a public display of obsession for someone who hasn’t even followed you on Instagram, just let yourself die. Dying might be bad, but it’s much easier than living with what you’ve done!
