In an exciting story that highlights the joys of going against the grain, 20-year-old Emilia Gardner just smoked her first ever cigarette in what reporters can only assume is a conscious decision to get addicted to smoking.
Nice job, girl! You were so close to missing out on a debilitating nicotine addiction!
“Many of my friends started smoking when their brains were young and impressionable, and of course this led to dependency,” Emilia told reporters gathered at the scene, where she was coughing her way through her first ever cig. “I was never really pressured into smoking in my teen years such that I would be addicted by now, but luckily, it’s not too late to start!”
Emilia often feels left out when all her friends complain of cigarette cravings and need to leave events early to smoke outside. Now, she’s made a habit of purchasing “loosie” cigarettes from her corner store, but rather than doing so to help her quit smoking, she’s just trying to ease her way into it.
Awesome! Slow and steady, queen!
“When kids get into smoking young, it rewires their brains to need that next fix of nicotine like nothing else,” said lung disease researcher Leah Grove. “When people get into smoking after 18, though, it’s kind of like – okay you knew the consequences and did it anyway? Crazy behavior, but I guess we can’t technically stop you.”
As far as what her friends think of her new habit, they practically begged her not to do it.
“I’ve been addicted to smoking since I was 15, and I’ve never hidden the negative effects it’s had on my life from Emilia,” said her best friend, Sandra Ruiz. “But she still seems determined to get addicted late in life. She’s calling herself a ‘Born Again’ smoker.”
While reporters informed Emilia that ‘Born Again’ typically refers to late-in-life Christians, she didn’t seem to care. She also maintains that this “addiction journey” is entirely her own.
“It’s not like I’m succumbing to peer pressure from my friends,” Emilia continued. “They’ve told me not to take up smoking more times than I can count! I’m employing a type of peer pressure that is created and enforced by me. I won’t be letting myself off the hook.”
As of press time, Emilia had successfully trained her body to crave at least one cigarette per day and had moved on to her next goal: trying to get her daily screen time up to eight hours.
