There are etiquette books to take the guesswork out of certain social situations, like how to write a thank-you note and when to let a man see you without makeup. But what they don’t tell us is the most important thing a woman needs to know: how to make conversation with your drug dealer. Here are some chill conversation topics for you and your dealer while you buy the goods:
The Legalization of Marijuana
Weed legalization is a hot topic these days – and definitely something cool to bring up with your dealer. Try an upbeat conversation starter, like, “What will you do for work when marijuana is a taxed product governed by the state?” Mention how excited you’ll be when a dispensary opens up on your block and you don’t have to wait for him to show up 30 minutes late. While your dealer stares into space and contemplates his cloudy future, you can check your Ziploc bag to make sure he gave you the right amount of drugs. Your days as his customer are numbered, so get your money’s worth now!
Ask About Buying in Bulk
Dealers love to discuss the who, what, where, why and what they do. Ask her who she gets her drugs from and how much it costs. Keep pestering her for this information – if you succeed, you can buy your drugs Costco style, and she’ll appreciate helping someone else up the ladder. Being a mentor is a joy!
Regale them with Times You Were Messed Up on Drugs
As the totally put-together woman you are, you may look like you have never tried drugs in your life. Assure your dealer that you are indeed a drug user by regaling him with your “crazy drug stories” at that festival upstate, the likes of which he can’t possibly have heard. Let him know that you’ll make out with just about anybody when you’re on Molly. He’ll love it!
Compliment their Appearance
Every self-respecting drug dealer has a relaxed, nonchalant look. Try to pick out the “statement piece” which represents that dealer’s multi-faceted personality. Try leading with, “How do you keep your hoodie so clean?” or “That coat isn’t leather?! SHUT UP!”
Talk about the Drugs
Nothing makes a dealer feel like an expert like asking her about her industry. Go beyond the basics of, “Is this really a mushroom?” by asking her about the provenance of her supply and whether it’s fair trade. Bonus points if it’s organic!
Congratulations! You’ve just had a conversation with your drug dealer beyond just “what do I owe you?” Now you can go home, get high, and forget it ever happened.