Construct an Inscrutably Vague and Empty Statement and We’ll Tell You Which Democratic Leader You Are

American cities seethe with unrest as police react violently to protestors demanding justice for the ongoing murder of Black people by police, and Democrats are speaking up. Unfortunately, no one knows what any of them are talking about. Construct your own mystifyingly opaque and meaningless statement, and we’ll tell you which Democratic leader you are!


Now’s not the time to remain silent. Where do you stand?

a.) “This is the opposite of good. Injustice exists. I will stop all pain, but only if you let me be president.”

b.) “Some Black people are alive because their parents made them. Strength, honesty, humility, thirstiness, and honesty again.”

c.) “There are protestors. They are right and the police are righter. I’m in a car.”



Black Americans are hurting. What do you say to them?

a.) “I am the king of Black people. I basically invented being Black. My staff says I am not supposed to speak but I love it. Take it from me; I am too old for learning.”

b.) “I am talking about this and I am using words while I do it. You will not always know what the words mean because I am Harvard.”

c.) “I am looking at you from my car.”


What are you going to do to fix this?

a.) Shoot them in the leg! Everything is fine. Obama is my godson.

b.) In the words of an author you’ve never heard of, and I’m paraphrasing here because I read the text in its original Elven: “There are only hearts when our heads do the work of our lungs. That’s what America never isn’t.”

c.) I will drive a little more, then cut funding from public education.



Mostly A’s: If your statement is comprised of mostly A’s, you are presidential candidate Joseph R. Biden. Everything you say is either so confusing the whole remark is void, or terribly offensive. You seem physically sick in a way that makes everyone nervous. Thanks for taking the quiz, sonny.

Mostly B’s: Sadly for you, you are former mayor and current most annoying guy in poli-sci lecture Pete Buttigieg. It is unclear if you have ever cared about anything.

Mostly C’s: You are New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio. Resign.