In a developing story out of Lynn, MA, the current global pandemic has apparently allowed conspiracy theorist Paloma Velasquez-Orlando to reach her own personal form of nirvana.
“I was already close after the 2016 presidential election, but the past month and a half or so of this COVID-19 crisis has pushed me over the edge,” said Paloma. “The government has really shown their shady asses, trying to hide that cocaine is the only cure.”
“All it took was a little scroll through Facebook,” she said. “Right away: boom–5G towers everywhere. From the moment I read that first article about the towers being the actual cause of coronavirus, I felt it. I’d ascended.
“And with this virus showing no sign of stopping anytime soon, I just know the conspiracy theories will continue as people get more and more scared and confused,” Paloma added. “I’ll basically be like a Buddha or something by the time people figure out this was a global elite operation to control the world’s population.”
Paloma’s friends are worried, but hopeful.
“On the one hand, I’m concerned that these new conspiracy theories are gonna make her feel compelled to talk to us about things we don’t believe or care about,” said Kenzie Tu. “On the other hand, maybe the spiritual ecstasy she’s reached will make her less annoying?”
“Yeah, I really hope it’s the latter,” said Francis O’Toole. “Paloma is one of those conspiracy theorists that has to share their theories with everyone. But maybe this next level of awakening will open her eyes?”
“Or at least close her third one,” Francis added.
Paloma is in far too deep to see any issue.
“I’ve reached the peak of Maslow’s pyramid – my spirit is sound, and my mind is open,” she said. “And it’s all thanks to this man-made, government-distributed population control measure they’re calling coronavirus.”s
