Early Tuesday morning, conservative cable news host Brent Mitchell began his show by making one thing clear: Today’s young people are cool as hell. And he’s had enough of it.
“These kids, they spend their days modeling for bisexual skate companies and then head down to the co-op at night for sloppy, gooey, extremely creative sex,” he said, shaking his head as the studio audience visibly perked up.
“Hope they like teaching the devil how to kickflip because that’s where they’re gonna end up: as the kings and queens of hell. We’ll see how ‘tight’ they feel then!” Mitchell said, severely misinterpreting the audience’s cheers.
Mitchell recounted his producers’ failed effort to pay the teens to appear on the show: “‘Ooh, look at me, I’ve got a steadfast moral code and a body untouched by time!’ You have to laugh,” he said on-air, reminding us that these teens are chill as hell and we would definitely hang out with them.
Mitchell then touched on his main issue with kids today: “They’re not getting married. They’re not loyal to their employers. All they do is ‘organize’ and ‘unionize’ and invent new abs,” he said. “Meanwhile the rest of us are out here doing the real work: trying to lower the inheritance tax.”
“So what if they have tons of followers on social media. The only followers I need are my wife and kids,” he said, like a total fucking loser.
“Right now, this country’s asleep. But we need to wake up,” he said, picking up the framed photograph of Ballard High’s Class of 2021 on his bedside table. “Because you know who is awake? The teens. And they’re having an epic dance party on our graves.”