In a harrowing story emerging from Boston, MA, two of the individually most destructive forces in 25-year-old Isa Montgomery’s life – coffee and her period – have joined forces to provide her with the single most destructive poop of her life.
“It’s rare to see coffee and my period work together like this, but they’ve really created something special,” Isa told reporters gathered outside her bathroom door. “I’ve known coffee and my period to make me poop as separate forces, and I didn’t really think about the consequences of combining them both together. What I am experiencing right now is nothing short of a gothic horror.”
Sources confirm Isa has been in the bathroom for 26 minutes already, which might not seem long, but consider that she has been straight shitting the entire time.
“I’ll have a moment of reprieve and think the worst is over, but then it just begins anew,” she continued. “I didn’t think I physically had this much poop in my body. I’m learning a lot about myself in here.”
Isa estimates she will lose about two working hours of her life to this poop, for an estimated material loss of $100. This is to say nothing of the emotional toll that this poop will take on her in the weeks, even months, to come.
“I can’t see recovering from this poop any time soon,” she continued. “I’m in the thick of it now, but even so, I can tell that the road to recovery is going to be long. Fear not. We will build back better.”
While Isa would never intentionally combine the forces of a diuretic such as coffee and a devil spawn such as her period, she did not realize her period was coming on, and was instead taken by surprise when she rushed to the bathroom to let out the poop of a lifetime.
“Listen, it hurts to be caught off guard by something like this for sure, but there’s no way for me to undo what has been done,” she continued. “For now, the only course of action is to ride it out. Well, not ‘ride’ per se, but rather ‘endure.’”
As of press time, Isa has called out of work to give her full attention to the poop at hand and has made a mental note never to drink coffee again. Reporters estimate this resolution will last about three days.