Gift-giving season is upon us, and while presenting someone with something special picked out just for them can be a beautiful process, it can also not. Although you may find meaning in this annual tradition that forces us to buy stuff, this year you might as well skip the hassle, false hope, and disappointment — at least, according to these uppity candles. So take a sneak peek at your inevitable future with three cocky candles that know you’ll be back after exploring other gift ideas.
Boot Jack (Huckberry, $24)
You might be rolling your eyes now at a candle called “Boot Jack” that smells like lavender, seasoned oak, and leather — I mean, leather? That could go so wrong? — but when you see that I’ll arrive before Christmas Eve without having to pay any extra for shipping, you’ll say, “This is fine”, and baby, you’ll be right. Go ahead and look for some cute print by a local artist to get for your mom. It’ll only cost like a million dollars to get framed. I’ll be here waiting with open arms when you exhaust all your options. I won’t even say I told you so; I won’t have to.
Baies/Berries (Nordstrom, $68)
Rich enough that you can’t pretend a lack of money is the reason you suck so much at gifts? Then you’ll be slinking back to this $68 little candle that will have your niece thinking, “She could have done better,” but saying, “Thank you!” thus freeing you from this contrived obligation of holiday tradition. Spending more money will make you feel less guilty for not knowing anything about your sister’s child. Do 12-year-olds like candles? Doesn’t matter. I’m here to give you peace of mind, not bring holiday cheer to some kid. So go and see what else is out there. I could pretend to be jealous, but who would that really be for?
Spruce (P.F. Candle Co, $20)
Here I am: the most ubiquitous sort-of-nice candle in the game. The Hinge profile whose winning quality is that there’s nothing glaringly wrong with it. Whether it’s for white elephant, your second cousin, or a partner who’s not making it to Valentine’s Day, I’m the absolute perfect gift to make you done with gift shopping. You can pretend you’re going to opt for something experiential, but it’s Covid and I’m 20 bucks. See you under the tree, baby girl.
So spend an afternoon you’ll never get back brainstorming perfect gifts, then settle for one of these smug candles. They’re not bad!