Chronic Shoplifter Condemns Looters

In the wake of nationwide protests against police brutality, 26-year-old relentless shoplifter Aiden Montgomery has some condemning thoughts on the looters in cities across the country.


“What is stealing going to accomplish for your cause?” said Aiden, wearing a dress she surreptitiously took from Forever 21. “It just reflects badly on the whole movement.”


Aiden, who has orchestrated multiple group shoplifts with her all-white friend group since her preteen years, went on to express her disdain for the looters.


“These businesses have worked hard for what they have,” said Aiden, referencing her favorite big box chain stores to shoplift from. “The protestors should consider doing the same.”


“Maybe then they wouldn’t be targets of police brutality,” she added with the type of smugness that only a white woman who has never faced any consequences for her actions could muster.


“She’s throwing stones from a glass house,” said her non-shoplifting friend, McKenzie Trudeau. “Aiden’s like a borderline klepto. And also apparently a low-key racist.”


“Yeah, let’s not pretend that she would have an issue with white people stealing stuff, as she’s a white person who steals stuff,” said Walker Polette. “Like, a lot of stuff.”


“The difference is she does it for personal gain instead of for garnering national attention to a life-or-death crisis,” Walker added.



“I would say that me getting the Adidas X Ivy Park collection jumpsuit is a life-or-death crisis,” insisted Aiden.