In a recent ruling out of Alabama, a Christian judge has determined that there are only two appropriate ways to start a family: virgin birth or sex with him.
“Any other method used to start a family is immoral and unethical,” said Judge Aaron Elliott, who quoted multiple lines from the bible in his ruling, including “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God” (John 4:7–8) and “Sex with anyone but Aaron Elliott is illegal and punishable by the fullest extent of the law” (Paul 27:2).
Witnesses said they were pretty confident the last one wasn’t a real quote, but as they weren’t that familiar with the bible, they couldn’t be sure.
“Obviously, IVF is a no go,” Judge Elliott continued. “But also, sex with anyone except for me is super fucked up, unChrist-like, and honestly just gross. Virgin birth is fine, too, because that’s what God went with, but sex with me is definitely preferable.”
Alabama residents were understandably upset with the direction of this ruling.
“I wanted to have a baby with my husband, not a random, weird Christian judge,” said 33-year-old Tuscaloosa resident, Deena Paulson. “I’d honestly give virgin birth a shot if I could, but I have no idea where to even start with that. Like, do I just start praying or what?”
Other residents expressed similar sentiments.
“I’m 6 months pregnant after using IVF,” said 38-year-old Ayla Sprague. “How does this ruling affect me?”
Judge Elliott mulled this over for a moment, before getting all sinister and saying, “This one’s fine, but the next baby better wither be with me or by the grace of God.”
“Okay, noted,” Sprague told reporters. “I guess this baby’s going to be an only child.”
As of press time, the birth rate in Alabama had completely halted for the first time in history, as all women who were hoping to have a child simply opted to wait and see if God exists over being within six feet of that judge.
