Can you believe it’s been ten years since Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were a public item? It seems like only yesterday that Mr. And Mrs. Smith came out, leaving the world wondering how the two almost upsettingly good-looking costars could possibly not be banging in real life. Sure enough, the suspicions of those of us who really knew were confirmed: Brad left his haircut-having, network-sitcom wife, and Angelina left her young son (not permanently—just to go on dates and stuff) and they got together. In April 2005, Brad and Angelina stepped out as the couple we insiders know as Brangelina. So how do you celebrate their special tenth anniversary month? By throwing them the same party they would throw themselves!
No one knows the Pitt-Jolie brood better than you! You know what they love to eat—vegan tacos, like the ones they served at Maddox’s eleventh birthday; raspberry-dark chocolate ganache cake, like they had at their private 2014 elopement; and wine from the vineyard they purchased with Brad Pitt’s advance money from Ocean’s Fifteen. You’re basically a part of their family, whether they know it or not; so why not celebrate that way?
Why not invite your friends over for a quiet dinner and a screening of Mr. And Mrs. Smith, followed by screenings of Babel and The Good Shepherd—the first movies that Brad and Angelina each made as a couple. Follow up with some of their family’s home movies, or at least the ones that leaked on the Internet. And if there’s still time, how about a DVD of Angelina’s recent UN speeches? Is it normal to be proud of someone you’ve never met? Not if you pretend like you did!
You may find some of your invitees edging their way toward the door as you break out the family album you pieced together from paparazzi photos. Just let them leave! They’ll never know and love your friends, Brad and Angelina, the way you do. Enjoy the company of your remaining guests with a spirited debate over whether or not Shiloh will want to be called “John” forever, and how it might affect impressionable Zahara. Neither kid knows you, and they probably never will, but what if they did? They’d probably come to you to discuss these exact issues!
And don’t forget party favors! Send everyone home with some of Brangelina’s favorite luxury goods— beeswax hyssop candles, a picnic basket woven and signed by Michelle Obama, and a homemade coupon for a free stay on their private island off the coast of Seychelles. It’s not actually redeemable, but it is fun to pretend like it would be!
After the guests are gone and the post-taco bathroom has been aired out, take some time for reflection. A decade of bliss is surely something to celebrate, but don’t forget the others in Brad and Angelina’s past who have not been so fortunate. Light a beeswax candle for Jennifer Aniston and Billy Bob Thornton. Reminisce about the times Brad shared with Gwyneth Paltrow, how they used to joke in 1998 about having the same hairstyle. Mourn the unfortunate state of Jolie’s brother James Haven, who will never again French kiss his sister on a red carpet. What will become of these ghosts of Branj’s past? Only time will tell.
In the meantime, consider how grateful they must be to have you looking out for them…once they know you exist, obviously!
