Friend Riley Clarke appeared before a divided group chat in an effort to unify both sides of the aisle, despite deepening resentment due to the friend group being split over whether or not Dan, Clarke’s recent Tinder match, is indeed hot.
“We must reject the politics of resistance and strive for unity,” typed Clarke, to her various friends. “If there is going to be peace, there cannot be war. I would fuck Dan, because he is hot, and so should you. We must come together and agree on this.”
However, many who witnessed this address have been critical that despite Clarke claiming she is interested in bipartisanship, she had a clear agenda throughout her speech.
“I understand that Clarke was attempting to garner bipartisan support, but that text is blatantly hypocritical,” says Ellie Anderson, a member of the group chat. “Dan is not hot to me. I should not have to make compromises and tell you I think he is. Unity happens when we meet in the middle, which is when you are okay with me disagreeing when you say Dan looks like a happy Kurt Cobain.”
“I am not going to like that text,” she continued. “And I’m sure as hell not going to respond with the clapping hands emoji like Veronica did.”
Upon hearing Ellie’s statement, Veronica came forward with an official statement of her own.
“I personally believe that Dan is hot and we must support him, so I clapped for what Riley had to say,” says Veronica. “This may not bridge the divide and I’m willing to accept that. She clearly just wishes everyone thought he was hot, and it makes no sense why people think he’s not.”
Even though Clarke determined that the “state of the group chat is strong”, she also deemed people’s lack of attraction to Dan an act of revenge for past stances within the group chat.
“The only thing that is stopping everyone from agreeing that Dan is universally boneable is political posturing at its worst,” declares Clarke. “I am simply asking us to come together and say you’ll be jealous if I fuck Dan because he is an objectively irresistible fuck god.”
“And anyone who disagrees with me fucking sucks and should leave this group chat.”