Congratulations! You are done fucking around and you’re ready to take your rightful place as Alpha Mom. Do you think success comes for free? It doesn’t. Be prepared to put in the work.
Take a look at this. This isn’t a G-D Lunchable.
This is art. Your child is going to eat a work of art, and you’re finally gonna get a little more respect around here.
I’m gonna hit you with some more, are you ready?
Bam.
You don’t know HOW to do these? Grow a sack, sign into Pinterest, get in the Camry, drive yourself to Michaels and figure it the fuck out.
Oh, does this look too “hard”? News flash, Sophie’s mom is bringing homemade mini-cupcakes for everyone next week. They are gonna be gluten-free and personalized for each student. Does that put a fire under your ass? It better.
Yes! Good work.
Yeah, I know it’s hard. I know your hands are bleeding from cutting carrots into little flowers. I know your eyes hurt from placing nori leaf eyes on those chicken nuggets. Suck it up. You’re a mom. Do you wanna feel like a failure at the next PTA meeting or do you want to dominate it? That’s what I fucking thought.
“But this is taking me too long!” Waaah waaah waaah. What are you, a little bitch? Set an alarm for 3:30 am and get it done!
Did you just come up in here with a regular ass Sandwich??!! I’m sorry, are you gonna be the best mom or are you being the best mom? It can’t just be talk! BETTER YOURSELF.
YES. Look at that. That is the lunch of a child whose mom submits to NO ONE. In fact, get as many hearts as possible into these lunches. Groom your child to eat innocence. Psychologically prepare her for the glorious life of dominance she can expect if she follows in your footsteps.
Don’t stop there. Think outside the bento-box. Here’s a power move, leave notes not only in your child’s lunch, but in other children’s lunches too.
No one can ignore you now. You’re the best mom! Ultimate mom! Crush all the other mothers. No one should need to ask who’s bringing the orange slices to soccer practice. IT’S YOU. This is not a game. You’ve come too far now. You’re going to kill yourself when they leave for college anyway!
And when that day comes, tell them to put your ashes in a “World’s Greatest Mom” mug, set it on fire, and throw it through the window of a Lucille Roberts. Even in death you can take out a few weak moms.
Best of luck. I’ll see you at that big Kohl’s in the sky.
