Beauty Regimens That Will Hurt Your Body

They say “Beauty is pain,” and they are correct. If you want to look sexy and appealing, you must feel physically bad right down there in your body. Here are the best beauty trends to make your body super hot while simultaneously making it say, “Oh no.”



The permanence of laser hair removal makes this treatment very convenient. You will feel shiny-smooth from head to toe forever. You will also feel like “ouch” because it will feel bad when they put lasers on your body, because lasers are sharp sticks of science-fire. Which are bad for the human nerves that you have. Also, you may have to inflict this pain multiple times for the effects to be permanent. Owwie!



Hair Bleach

Putting chemicals on your head for good looks is an ancient tradition. Hurty, burny liquids are real good at making you aesthetically better, but they will give you pain. Oh well! Once you wash it off, you will be very good to look at. Until then you’ll say things like, “Boy is that a bad feeling,” and “I don’t like this one bit.” Your poor, hot, sexy head!



When you want to remove toxins and impurities from the skin on your face, head straight to a facialist to have them violently force any trace of debris out of every single one of your pores. And when you leave, just be like, “OH GOD OWWWW!!!” to express how much your pretty, pretty face hurts. From now on, people will like to see your body, but you won’t like to live in it!



Plastic Surgery

There are a whole lot of surgeries that can make you look better than you look now. But someone has to cut you with a knife and you’ll bleed. And then when you wake up, it will feel like you’ve been cut with a knife and bled. You know, like you’ll feel the same as the victim of a stabbing would. For beauty! “We find that our clients want to look better, which we accomplish by cutting their little faces with sharp knives,” says plastic surgeon Dr. Joseph Malk. So take it from him: Go get a pretty injury! You’ll be saying “ow, ow, owwy, ow, ow” in no time!


Mascara, if it Gets in Your Eyes



High heels hurt, and suck-in undies hurt, and hairpins hurt, and everything hurts. But all that pain will be worth it when beauty shows up on your ouchie body! You’ll be turning those “OW”s into “AH-WOOOOO-GAH!”s in no time! Or eventually. Hopefully. If you can stop crying long enough to get out into the world where people can see you.