Congratulations! Your ex-boyfriend is getting married. Just because it won’t be you up there on the altar doesn’t mean you have to spend it in tears and in sweatpants – why not buy an outfit for his wedding that will make you feel like a bride for the day? “Because it’s crazy, desperate, and a major violation of boundaries?” Shut up, voice of reason!
To look like the one who got away, then came back and terrified everyone, pick one of these tried-and-true dress styles, and reclaim what is rightfully yours:
1. Princess
You’ll look like an elegant royal returning for her lost kingdom in this beautiful, voluminous dress. Just keep in mind that traditionally, this style is only appropriate for an indoor ex’s wedding. Let’s paint the picture: you walk through those heavy, creaky church doors looking like Princess Di, and everyone, including the groom-to-be, turns around and gasps – simultaneously thinking, “Oh Jesus, is that Claire?”
2. Sexy
So maybe you want to look drop-dead sexy – and you certainly will when you saunter into the reception wearing a tight, cleavage-bearing white dress that says, “I’m DTC – down to consummate.” No matter what, this look will make him go “Damn!” or “Goddammit Claire, I knew you’d do something like this!”
3. Lace
Oh, lace. This classic, innocent style will render him speechless when he sees you standing there, in the back of his garden ceremony, timeless and insane. He might be at a loss for words because his actual bride is now sobbing at the sight of you (can you say, “attention whore”?).
But you know what he’s thinking deep down: “…Did I pick the wrong girl?”
4. An Angelina Jolie-Inspired Doodle Wedding Veil
Maybe you’re an ultra-trendy gal who wants her wedding to reflect the latest celeb-inspired fashions. So why not take inspiration from celebrity man-stealer Angelina Jolie? Her veil was covered in her children’s crayon doodles, but you still want to make the look your own in order to show him just how too-much you care. Why not decorate the veil with pictures of you and your ex together in various scenes of compulsory matrimony? You two in your house, you two with your future kids, you two hiding his ex-fiancée’s body – there’s no limit to what you two will accomplish together.
Just because it’s time to move on doesn’t mean you should move on. Here comes the bride’s worst enemy – you! Just remember to bring a gift. You don’t want to be tacky!
