Your parents may not have envisioned that their youngest child would grow up to work part-time as a waitress, freelancer, permanent fixture on the couch. So you may not have gotten that law degree, but that doesn’t mean you can’t look like you did! Follow these simple style rules, and your parents will start including you in the holiday photo again in no time!
DON’T go without a bra. The 70s are over, just like your your dream of being “discovered” at a mall and becoming an international supermodel. You’re 35 and slightly cross-eyed; it’s time to let that one go.
DO wear the shapewear that you stole from your mother’s closet. Bumps and bulges won’t fly with a working woman, so squeeze those womanly curves down until you are indistinguishable from a man. Men make their families proud!
DON’T use a Whole Foods tote as your everyday purse. Are you fucking kidding me? If you can afford to shop at Whole Foods, you can afford a bag that wasn’t made from recycled hemp.
DO get a briefcase. And not one that was a prop from your recent avant-garde production of Death of a Salesman. It should be black, and cost at least a week’s worth of your earnings from waitressing.
DON’T wear leggings. Your parents will see that you’re still dressing like you did in college – is that really how you want to repay them for bankrolling your B.A. in Creative Writing? Bizness women don’t show off their camel toes; they show off a serious and professional demeanor.
DO invest in a plethora of pantsuits. This way when people see you they will immediately think, “This woman is definitely living out the dreams of her mother and father!”
DON’T wear sneakers and jeans. Chuck Taylors are gateway shoes that can quickly lead to harder things, like flowered Doc Martens or ironic Birkenstocks.
DO wear sneakers with business skirts. Your mom does it because she has high arches and can’t wear heels for too long, so this is a surefire way to get on her good side. Professional, adult women work hard, play hard, and listen to their podiatrist.
While it may not land you a job, making these changes will increase your parents’ satisfaction with you, and possibly even a gig cleaning your mom’s office on the weekends! Now get out there and show the world that you’re pretending to mean business!