Now’s the time to decide: Are you itching to get behind democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton, or are you itching because you just developed a rash? It’s important for you to be able to spot key differences. If symptoms are piling up faster than Hillary’s campaign contributions, you may be in need of serious medical attention. Here’s how to tell if you’re psyched about the former First Lady’s run or just in desperate need of a visit to the dermatologist!
Redness
Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if your face and neck are flushed from your heart pumping when you see Hill’s determined face or if it’s just a reaction to the chemicals in the fabric of the t-shirt you bought from her online shop. Since you’re not feeling the Bern, any burn you do feel may be a sign of active infection. If the color fades after 72 hours, it was probably just a rash. If redness persists, seek out your local Clinton 2016 headquarters to register for a canvassing timeslot.
Fever
Your temperature is running high, and you can’t tell if you’re actively ill or just enraged that any woman would dare question Hillary’s fitness for office. Sure, she voted to invade Iraq, but she’s also invaded your heart, leaving you blushing and warm every time you think of the her. Try reading some facts about her tenure as Secretary of State as a self-check. If you feel calmed by remembering Mrs. Clinton’s grace under pressure and gorgeous pantsuit rainbow, you should be okay, but if even her luscious, feathered bob can’t assuage the heat rising in your face, take an Advil.
Increased Heart Rate
It’s only September, and yet you’re hitting your peak heart rate just sitting still. Could you be remembering the 2008 campaign trail, when Hillary was forced to cede her rightful spot as the Democratic nominee to a man, leaving us with eight more years of a wage gap that will clear up immediately as soon as H.C. moves back into 1600 Pennsylvania Ave? Or it just an early warning sign of Lyme disease? A bulls-eye-shaped rash might seem like your body pointing out a cool place for the Hillary 2016 tattoo you’ve been wanting, but it’s probably from a tick bite. Get that checked out—before you start canvassing!
Exhaustion
Worn out after a long day? It could be weariness from living in a man’s world, the depths of which only the loving arms of Mama Clinton can rescue you from. Alternately, it could be a side effect of your immune system running on overdrive, trying to release enough antibodies to clear up rash inflammation before it spreads any further. Take a nap and see if dreaming of another Clinton presidency leaves you sufficiently refreshed. If you’re feeling too tired to post sprawling liberal rants on Facebook, you might want to call your doctor.
Itchiness
You feel like jumping out of your skin, but you’re not sure whether it’s from romping in the poison ivy with that cutie you met at the latest Young Democrats convention or from 2016-related impatience. If calamine lotion isn’t helping, you’re probably just daydreaming about H.R.C. at the Inaugural Ball. Benadryl won’t help you there, but meditating in front of your #ReadyForHillary poster just might!
If any of these symptoms persist beyond the primary elections, seek immediate medical attention or the blessings of your local Democratic Party organizer. New symptoms that arise may be indicators of serious illness, so seek the aid of a local hospital with a Hillary-supported health care plan, if you can figure out what that is.
