Sex dreams can be fun, but are you pleasing the guy in your dream enough to deserve that sex dream in the first place? Just because he’s a weird hybrid of Tom Hardy and your 10th grade math teacher doesn’t mean you can get away with not blowing him! Don’t let everyone in your subconscious mind think you’re a selfish bitch! Here’s how:
While having a sex dream, use the one-tenth rule as a guide to your own pleasure. For every minute of pleasure enjoy, your dream partner should be experiencing ten. As a rule of thumb, a proper sex dream should start and end with you giving your dream partner a blowjob if you don’t want to wake up feeling guilty about your dream. It doesn’t matter if it’s happening in the backyard of your aunt’s house and there are dancing skeletons everywhere and also he’s some sort of Nazi or something; there’s no excuse for leaving him hanging!
Women should be careful not to receive oral sex in their sex dreams for over five minutes at a time, lest they want to be labeled as “difficult to please” by the Dean Cain Superman. The exceptions to this rule are if you are in the 69 position, which you’re allowed to stay in until your partner gets bored or climaxes or the clocks in your dream run in reverse or the whole thing crossfades to your recurring nightmare about large eels.
On the rare occasion where you can make it happen, you can climax during penetration if and only if your partner also climaxes within 30 seconds of your climax. No guy wants to hang around with an erection while you writhe in pleasure, not even that guy you met in Turks and Caicos when you were 13. And it’s always understood that for every time you climax in a sex dream, you owe your dream partner a blowjob, even if it’s not his birthday, and even if it’s in the middle of a highway.
If you’re not giving blowjobs in your sex dreams, you cannot blame your dream partners when they start to wander into other dreams with other women, which they will do. You can’t be mad that your doorman (who’s wearing a wetsuit for some reason) isn’t showing up to your usual cheese-induced sex dreams anymore if you only blow him twice per sexual encounter. But don’t worry! Most of the time when you’re having more fun in your sex dream than your dream partner, your body will automatically wake you up out of guilt. That’s just Mother Nature looking out for you!
While the sex in your dream isn’t real, the guilt you wake up to will be. You will wonder whether you deserved having that sex dream at all. If you never have another sex dream, you will wonder if it’s because you should’ve given your dream partner a blowjob after he romanced you with candles and sweet words (yes, you should’ve, even though he was part lion). Save yourself the trouble of waking up to shame and guilt after having a sex dream by keeping them loaded with blowjobs. You’ll never have to worry you’re not worthy of having sex dreams again!
