It’s been known for decades: Literally every human being is one of the Golden Girls, and you are absolutely no exception. But which one are you – Blanche, Sophia, Dorothy, Rose, or the gay cook who just appeared in the pilot and was swiftly replaced by Sophia? Take this quiz to find out:
You’ve been going out with a guy for a couple of weeks, and he very earnestly proposes marriage. You…
- Say yes! He seems like a nice guy – plus, he’s from ten minutes outside of Saint Olaf!
- Absolutely not, but you will continue sleeping with him. He’s just so handsome!
- Punch him in the face.
- Make a witty quip, then cook the ladies some dinner! Then get fired because networks couldn’t decide on prioritizing sexism or homophobia in their decision-making.
How many people have you slept with?
- My husband – and one other very nice man.
- 124 in the past seven years. I don’t keep count beyond that!
- I have no idea! I’m a chaste gay stereotype. Betcha didn’t even see me!
After a wild night, you and your besties end up getting arrested. You…
- Make the best of it! There are so many nice people in jail.
- Absolutely try to sleep with one of the guards.
- Blame your friends for their idiocy.
- Unclear! Cooking dinner was all you were allowed to do. You could have had the chance to be a groundbreaking character for the gay community, but you were swiftly replaced by Sophia, who was, admittedly, hilarious? How are you supposed to feel about this complicated turn of events? I guess you’d just cook dinner.
Mostly 1’s: You’re Rose! You’re naïve and sweet, but you always have the funniest lines! Everybody loves you but they don’t always respect you – but you have a big heart and a warm smile.
Mostly 2’s – You’re Blanche! You’re an absolute fucking slut, babe, and we love it!
Mostly 3’s – You’re Dorothy! You’re tall and cranky, and that’s about it!
Mostly 4’s – You’re the Gay Cook That Was Only In the First Episode and Also sort of Sophia! You’re as one-dimension and gay as can be, a true Miami gay stereotype that sort of paved the way for other stuff? Most people don’t remember you exist, in a Mandela effect kind of way, but you know you were there, whether the world does or not! We’ll never really know what you could have become, because you never had the chance to develop into a fully realized character and were fully replaced, line for line, by a 92-year-old straight woman. Crazy, right??