A midnight cleaning crew has stumbled upon the remains of a “mummified” office worker under the main air conditioning vent at a local insurance firm. The adult female specimen known as Stacy the Icewoman was transported to Columbia University where a team of archaeologists examined her hunched, sweatshirt-wrapped form.
“The level of preservation is near perfect,” says lead archaeologist Isabella Witte. “It looks as though she just curled up and fell asleep earlier today, which is probably what happened.”
Preliminary analysis shows that the adult female was ill prepared for her placement underneath the cooling vent. Lead archaeologist Isabella Witte says, “It looks like a cut-and-dried case of office air conditioning-induced hypothermia.”
Professor Witte explains claims this is very common in samples from this time of year. “It’s unclear if male office workers are able to stand the lower temperatures because of a higher internal body temperature, or if they simply think short-sleeve button-downs look ‘dumb’ or ‘bad.’”
Experts say that temperatures within the office can dip below 65 degrees during the summer months and well into the fall. It is likely that the female data entry clerk may have prolonged her life with frequent bathroom breaks and unnecessary trips to the copier; however, these reprieves were only temporary.
While scientists cannot conclude if the specimen knew her demise was imminent, a cell phone found near the remains may hold clues to the mystery woman’s state of mind. On the screen, archaeologists say, was a crudely composed draft of a tweet featuring a gif of Olaf from Frozen with the caption, “#dying.”
Amongst the artifacts collected at the site was a half-full cup of iced coffee found next to the perfectly preserved data entry clerk. It is unclear why the female office worker would have consumed a chilled beverage in such a harsh environment, but they believe she may have anticipated warmer climes upon entering the office.
Further analysis will be needed to see if a sweater could have shielded her from the extreme climate in the cubicle. “Possessing a shawl is sometimes the difference between life and death in this precarious environment,” said Dr. Richter. “If only she had been warned by her temp agency that her desk was underneath a giant vent designed to cool the entire floor.”
Professor Witte concluded, “I might not be standing here excavating these remains if she had had access to a space heater, or perhaps even a couple pieces of flint and an old issue of Vanity Fair.”
