In a move that is being called “amazing” and “astounding”, Kathy Rogers, 27, has mansplained the entirety of Martin Scorsese’s 1990 mob movie classic, Goodfellas, to herself.
“My whole life I’ve always tried to be independent, and never rely on men to do things for me,” says Rogers, looking spent but proud. “No one can overexplain the plot points of a dated mafia movie to me but me.”
Sources state the behavior began this past weekend when the battery in Rogers’ remote control gave out when she was attempting to flip away from Goodfellas to the Home Shopping Network. Unable to change the channel or turn off the TV, Rogers was forced to watch the seminal film in its entirety.
“The mansplaining started off small,” remarks Rogers. “Instead of rolling my eyes at Henry Hill’s cocky, self-indulgent narration like I normally would during a movie made for men by men, I began to relate to his struggle to rise up the ranks in the mob, despite the fact that’s a really stupid, impractical thing to aspire to.”
She then paused the movie, turned to a mirror on the wall, and explained to herself at length why Hill is actually a good guy.
“It was exhilarating,” she says. “I really ruined the movie for myself.”
After that early scene, her rate of auto-mansplaining only increased. Even though Rogers was keenly aware that casual sexism and racism in movies is hurtful to non-white male audience members, she heard herself defending such incidents in the movie as “essential to the plot” and “accurate,” and became frustrated with herself when she “didn’t get it.”
“When Henry disrespects his wife and mistresses and dismisses his female family members, it’s not sexist, it’s an authentic commentary on the times and his character,” Rogers states to no one in particular; presumably to herself.
Since that night, friends and family members have reported that now the only thing Rogers talks about is the “instant classic.”
“I think it’s beautiful,” smiles friend Melissa Burkett. “It’s so inspiring to see Kathy mansplain such a hallmark of cinema all by herself, to herself. It really shows you that anything is possible when you act like you you’re more qualified to discuss pop culture than those around you, especially women; even if that woman is yourself.”
“Since she started mansplaining, Kathy has really stepped up as a leader,” glows Rogers’ boss, Frank Hurwitz. While she has recently started saying her own ideas once quietly, then restating them louder to claim credit from herself, Hurwitz says she has really impressed him by bringing up the crown jewel of male pop culture at the office. “She stood up in a meeting the other day and went off about the subtle nuances of masculinity and camaraderie in Scorsese’s filmography, and how male relationships are seldom portrayed like that in cinema anymore, which is what I always say. I gave her a standing ovation and a 50% raise.”
Sources confirm that this incredible woman has since gone on to mansplain the plot of Scorsese’s 1991 psychological thriller Cape Fear to herself, despite having never seen it.
