To the dismay of all doctors in the Arizona area, 25-year-old medical marvel Dylan Reemer doesn’t even need Adderall to grind her teeth and be weird – she can do that all on her own.
So cool! Way to put the “metal” in “mentally ill,” Dylan!
“A friend of mine was saying she’s hesitant to get on Adderall because of the side effects, like grinding your teeth and being generally weird,” Dylan told reporters gathered at the scene. “And I was like – wait, those are side effects of Adderall? I literally do that already! Who’d have thought?”
Sources confirm the general pace of life is enough to make Dylan grind her teeth constantly, and any additional stimulant in the form of medication would only send her over the edge.
“Yeah, I have to wear a night guard because I can normally keep the teeth grinding at bay during the daytime,” Dylan continued. “But once my subconscious lets loose, it’s just straight grinding for eight hours.”
While “straight grinding for eight hours” sounds like a fun time out of context, it is hell for Dylan. She also grinds her teeth any time she has to confront a friend, get her passport renewed, or think really hard.
“As far as being weird, yeah, I’m already doing that, too,” Dylan continued. “This ‘Adderall’ stuff doesn’t sound half bad!”
“Wait, has Dylan not been on Adderall this whole time?” Dylan’s roommate, Pierce Demenna, asked reporters. “So she’s just like that? Wow, that’s insane.”
Sources confirm Dylan also experiences all the other side effects of Adderall – including nausea, loss of appetite, and insomnia – when she has to send a stressful email or remember to do something when she gets home.
“I assumed Dylan has been on Adderall since the moment I met her,” Pierce continued. “It was the only reasonable explanation for why she was being so weird, but now I realize that’s just Dylan’s general personality. Wait, then what explains all the emotional instability, psychiatric disorders, and cardiovascular events?”
That’s all just her, baby! Send any and all complaints to the manufacturer (her parents)!
At press time, Dylan was ultimately prescribed Adderall. While she doesn’t need it to grind her teeth or be weird, she really does need it to focus and complete daily tasks without freaking out.
