They say it’s important to take time to relax for self-care. But what if relaxing for self-care looks exactly like being paralyzed by indecision? The line is so blurry when the common denominator is lying motionless on the couch.
As I lie here pinned down by mere gravity, I have to wonder: Is the weight of my own to-do list rendering me immobile, or am I actually just treating myself right now? It’s just, I really need to know if this is something that I should pat myself on the back for, or to be deeply ashamed about, is all.
Am I – dare I say it – being BRAVE for reclaiming my time, or am I acquiescing to a maladaptive biological response to “chores?” On one hand, I want to be like, “YAS queen! Take back that time! Lie on that couch for YOU!” But does it really count if this me-time is in fact deeply unfulfilling, and the act of lying here is actually just my nervous system’s response to an intense stress that only exists in my head?
I can’t really take credit for that, but I sort of want to!
You would think that an easy way to figure this out is to see if I am feeling relaxed right now – but you would be wrong! Because if I judged things by how I was feeling, then me and Jake would have gone on a second date because I “felt” like we had some chemistry there, but apparently I’m a ghost-after-the-first-date kinda gal, so fuck my feelings, right? And furthermore, you know all those times where it feels like it’s going to rain, and then it doesn’t? That’s what meteorologists are for, bitch! Anyway, I’m getting off track here; I have to figure this out or else I’m going to have to relax from the stress of figuring this out!!
It could be that I’m just extremely in tune with my body, which is saying, “Hey girl, put that laundry bag down. You need to relax right fucking now!” Then again, it’s also entirely possible that my body is actually saying, “Threat! Hide in the underbrush until the predators pass!!!” and I’m just riding that wave because I feel like I deserve it.
You know what? I think I will give myself credit for even asking these hard questions, and really taking a hard look at myself today. And actually – I think I’ll celebrate myself with some well-deserved down time! But it’s hard to tell if this is intentional down time, or a byproduct of post-anxiety exhaustion…whoops, here I go again!