Ah Fuck: Person You’re Making Small Talk With Now Trying to Make Plans

In deeply unsettling news at this social gathering you’re attending, what started out as you simply engaging in introductory small talk with some harmless stranger has now devolved into talks of making future plans to hang out and spend more time together.


In other words: Absolutely fucking not! Make it stop! Fuck!


Transcripts indicate that the trajectory of the conversation went off-course relatively rapidly. The discussion went from where you two live, what you do for work, and how you know the host, to determining when you’re free to go hiking, check out this new beer garden, and if you want to go to an arena concert next spring, which you should decide soon on because ticket presales start at 10AM sharp tomorrow.


“Like, in what fucking world…,” your brain responded.


After over a year of isolation and no social gatherings, it makes sense that millions are eager to start making plans and new friends. However, holy hell is this overwhelming. You did not come here to make friends.


You definitely have the free time, but not for this.


As this stranger (who’s probably the host’s coworker’s roommate or some dumb bullshit like that) continues booking your calendar, you realize that, on the surface, you two probably look like you’re old friends catching up and everyone around you is going to start thinking you two have a history of hanging out and doing stuff together.


Seriously, enough. Stop entertaining this notion. Someone is going to get hurt.



This stranger clearly doesn’t operate within the confines of the same social order that you inhabit, so the only option left is foil these plans with an unquestionable lie.


At press time, you announced you’re sorry, you can’t, because you’re “actually moving to Vancouver next weekend” Ooookay…? Hopefully this person never sees you here again. Good luck with this one and have fun at the rest of this social event!