After Lengthy Deliberation, Local Pharmacist Upholds Roe v. Wade

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In a landmark victory for the 25-year-old Sophie Schneider, a pharmacist at the 158th Street Rite-Aid upheld Roe vs. Wade and ruled in favor of her right to reproductive independence.


“Despite strong personal disagreement with Schneider’s decision not to have a child at this time, along with a fervent interest in her well-being, I am forced to oblige her wishes,” wrote the pharmacist on the back of Schneider’s box of Plan B.


“Never,” says Schneider, “did I think we’d be locked into such a long and complex decision.”


Upon Schneider’s request for a tablet of Plan B, the pharmacy associate turned to his shelves, stepping partly out of view. “He kind of disappeared for a few minutes like he was going to go search for them,” recalls Schneider. But when he returned empty-handed, the pharmacist stated, “I just feel like you should reconsider giving up this baby.”


Roe Vs. Wade, the 1973 SCOTUS case ending in a decision that it was unconstitutional to ban abortions, has been subject to great debate over the last four decades. And despite the ruling holding to this day, decision-makers have repeatedly tried to challenge it on a local scale.


Schneider pled her case for a Plan B tablet throughout the evening—arguing that the wearer of the condom, though pretty hot with a nice laugh, was wholly unsuited for fatherhood; that Schneider had no interest in being pregnant; and that the pharmacist was legally bound to sell her the Plan B; and lastly, “This was none of his goddamn business.”


“I was just concerned about the health of the young woman and her unborn child,” he argued at one point in the trial as he casually sold a pack of Parliament Lights to a teenager.



“You could hear a pin drop,” said a witness on line behind Schneider after a tense stare-down. “I was just trying to get some Chapstick, but I was completely rapt along with everyone else. Nobody knew which way he was gonna go.”


Fifteen minutes later the pharmacist emerged from deliberation, looking down at the Wikipedia page for “Roe Vs. Wade” on his phone. Frowning before delivering the verdict, a package of Plan B in his hand, he stated: “I reluctantly vote to uphold the law in spite of my strong personal beliefs, but I just want the plaintiff to know that she got lucky and she better quit sleeping around.”


Ms. Schneider then paid $29.99 for the Plan B, but was pushed aside by a man in urgent need of Viagra.