Absolute Moron Attempting to Tan at 5 p.m.

In the story of a moron being an absolute idiot, 27-year-old Olivia Priest is trying to tan at the beach even though it is 5 p.m. in the literal evening.


“When I first saw her set up her towel, I was like, okay we’ve got a night swimmer on our hands, I guess,” says one witness to the lunacy. “But then she stripped down to her bathing suit, lay down on it, and get this — put on freaking tanning oil.”


Wow. What a dense bitch.


“I’m not trying to be judgmental,” says the witness. “Maybe she was homeschooled. Maybe she just escaped a Plato’s cave allegory situation. I just don’t see how someone could grasp so little of how the sun works.”


However, Olivia remains stupid as fuck with her perspective on the situation.

“I mean, the sun is still out!” says the fool. “I know it’s not as strong, but there are still the rays and everything, right? I might not tan as fast but I’ll still get some color.”





An expert weighed in on the situation even though they shouldn’t have to because this shit is so obvious.


“Due to the positioning of the sun in the sky, the UV rays are much weaker, and it would take more time to build a tan than Olivia has before sunset,” says solar-stellar scientist Dr. Lucy Guthrie. “The way laypeople can tell is that at noon, the sun feels super hot, then in the evening, it doesn’t.”


“In short,” Dr. Guthrie adds, “just use your fucking brain.”


The pathetic scene went on for about 45 minutes before most beachgoers began to clear out, not because it was nighttime, but specifically because they couldn’t stand to watch this futile spectacle.


“I’m having a great time!” says the still pasty dummy. “And I’m not burning at all!”


Yeah, no shit.