Just like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, the night custodian is the unsung hero of your office and of your heart, probably just waiting for an educated woman like yourself to inspire him and fulfill his true potential. But how will you get his attention if you’re always rushing to Pilates at 6:00 sharp? Here are some hints to leave around that will catch his custodial eye (and heart!) after hours:
- A To-Do List That Shows How Important You Are
Now that he knows what you guys have in common, show him what you have going for you! A simple post-it with the following checklist on it will have him swooning over you in no time: “1. Important meeting with clients. 2. Call back magazine to confirm interview for hottest bachelorette profile. 3. Find an assistant so you don’t have to make to-do lists yourself. 4. Be kind to everyone even though you are super important and could get away with being mean.” This is sure to catch his eye in the right way!
- One Unique Piece of Trash
You can really show your personality in this piece of trash. If you’re fun and sporty, leave a protein bar wrapper. If you’re kooky and academic but also full of surprises and delicate but still super creative with exceptional fine motor skills, leave what looks from afar like a crumpled up piece of legal paper, but up close is actually an origami butterfly with Hamlet’s “To Be or Not To Be” soliloquy written in calligraphy on it. He will surely appreciate your thoughtful, purposeful littering.
- Tickets to See Stomp
Of course you should never pander to the person you’re trying to get to fall in love with you, but this will effectively kill two birds with one stone—janitors naturally LOVE Stomp. He’ll immediately know you’re cultured since you go to the theater, and you’ll be showing support for interest in brooms and barrels.
- An Uneaten Grilled Cheese Sandwich
Everyone knows the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach! So leave out an uneaten grilled cheese with a little note that says something cute like, “Grilled cheese up for grabs! Who is man enough to take it? Lol.” By low-key questioning his masculinity, you’ll ensure that he eats the sandwich, and feels a pang in his chest that isn’t just heartburn.
- A Heart-Shaped Coffee Ring on Your Desk
This is a little tricky, but if executed properly, can be one of the quickest ways to get him to fall for you. It probably has to be a series of coffee rings, so we hope you’re tired! Once you’ve made the heart, he’ll know that he has to clean it off, but he’ll also feel compelled to treasure it forever. You’ve put him in a moral dilemma—wipe away your artistic expression of love, or keep it there because of what it stands for. This romantic tension is straight out of a Jane Austen novel!
- A DD Bra in Plain Sight
Despite the ass renaissance that is currently happening, red-blooded guys will always appreciate a girl with a nice rack. And he’s a busy man—he’s got a weird schedule and he sees a LOT of women’s desks. You need to differentiate yourself by draping a huge bra over your office chair that says, “I’ve got lots to offer—not only between my ears, but also between my armpits, on the front of me.” Loud and clear!
- Birth Control so He Knows You’re Not a Prude
You don’t want to leave this up to chance; he has to assume that you’re a sexually active woman before he can invest his time in you. And most men don’t realize that a lot of women take birth control for health issues, so you’re totally fine to leave it out. He probs has no idea what PCOS is, or that you haven’t had sex in years.
- A Smudged Digital Picture Frame Displaying Your “Summatyme ‘09” Facebook Album Photos
Let’s face it—summer of ‘09 was the best you’ve ever looked in a bikini. Why not take the highlights from that album, put them in a digital picture frame, and then dirty it up a bit so he has an excuse to clean it off and see your rockin’ bod? He will love this opportunity to fall in love with you, a person who purposely makes more messes.
While it will probably never work out between the two of you since you work during the day and he works at night, and your paths will probably never cross, and you’re not even entirely sure if the night custodian is a man but you’re only sexually attracted to men, and also you don’t even know anything about him, it’s important to have a stranger fall in love with you to remind you are still as great as you were in the summer of ‘09. Good luck!
