Sure, things are going great with your new man. But the amount of times he’s taken you to the arcade-themed bar has raised your suspicions. Especially because one time you beat him in NBA Jam and he called you a jerk and then purposely knocked over the Coke he’d ordered you. At this point, it’s only natural to wonder: Is your new boyfriend a real man, or is he a child who made a wish and then turned into a grown man overnight like Tom Hanks in Big?
Is he really good at floor piano?
Despite what happened in the movie, if your BF is really good at floor piano, he’s probably not a kid who’s been Big’d. What kind of kid would actually be good at floor piano? Have you seen a kid on those things? They just smash and stomp the keys until it breaks. So if he can play piano with his feet, he’s a man. A weird man, but a man.
Does he hang out with 12-year-olds?
Unless your man is a teacher, a bigger brother, or an adult skateboarder with a lot of fans, hanging out with 12-year-olds is a red flag. Break up with him. But not when his friends are around! They will throw gravel at you and call you old.
Does he make a lot of wishes?
Believe it or not, this is a sign your guy hasn’t been Big’d. Because a kid who’s been Big’d knows that wishes actually work and are a sacred thing not to be messed around with.
Has he ever called you “Mom”?
This might not be definitive proof that he’s a
child in a man’s body, but it is proof that something is very wrong in your relationship. End it as fast as you can. And honestly, it’s a little strange that it has gone on this long.
Does he work at a toy factory?
Then he is not a kid who’s been Big’d. A child, with or without an adult’s body, could not get hired in this country. How’d that job interview go when he didn’t have a résumé?! What social security number did he give them? How does he not get distracted by the toys in the factory? If he has that job, or any job, he’s just a regular man. Stop trying to get attention.
When he wakes up each morning does he look around all confused, gasp, and say “Oh my god, it wasn’t a dream! It’s real life!”
This is fine if you are a supermodel. Because then he’s surprised he is dating a supermodel in real life. If you are not a supermodel, then he is surprised he turned into a man overnight in real life. He’s a kid who’s been Big’d. I am so sorry.
Does he look like a kid?
If you said yes, you might be dating a man who ages well, a kid who’s been Big’d, or just a straight up kid who has not been Big’d and that’s why he is so short and so good at texting and how did you not see this sooner, you are just dating a kid and need to leave town and start a new life with a new name and maybe a better job. Good luck!
Ladies, we all know finding a life partner can be tricky. And it certainly doesn’t help that there are magical fortune telling machines turning little boys into handsome men who are for some reason attracted to adult women, and like, pretty good at flirting. But the important thing to remember is it’s not your fault. If you fall for a Big’d kid, don’t let it get you down. And also, maybe don’t tell anyone.
