Did your man cheat on you? Did you read Gone Girl and then see Gone Girl and then think a lot about Gone Girl? Have you spent every waking minute since the affair fantasizing about pulling off your own revenge scenario? That’s okay, but know that you could never, in your wildest dreams, EVER pull them off. But it’s fun to imagine you could. Here are a few wildly satisfying revenge fantasies you definitely could not pull off:
1. The Regina George
Break into his place with your best pair of scissors and cut two small holes in each of his shirts, right where his nipples would be. Cut a hole in the crotch of all his pants. Cut the tips off all his socks. Cut all his underwear in half. Carefully fold each item and place it back in its drawer. Leave quietly (and good luck pulling any of that off).
2. The Celebrity Squeeze
Meet Ewan McGregor and start dating him, because Ewan left his wife and is single now, and also really into you. Have babies with Ewan McGregor. Print out every article about you and your new beau and have them laminated and hand-delivered to the restaurant table your ex is at every time he’s on a date. Bonus if his date is Ewan’s ex-wife.
3. The Penalty Box
Steal a Zamboni from the local hockey rink and drive it over a framed photo of the two of you. Have the broken pieces sent via carrier pigeon to him while he’s at work. Park the Zamboni on his front lawn and leave it there. Throw the keys down a sewer grate. Important: Train the pigeon first.
4. Yodel-Ay-Hee Die
Become an expert mountain climber, learn French, invite him on a free trip to Europe, climb up a snowy mountain with him, scream really loud, cause an avalanche, step to the side of the approaching avalanche, and leave him under thousands of pounds of snow. Learning French isn’t necessary for this, but you’ve always wanted to do it so you might as well do it now that you’re single.
5. Single White Celebrity
Get plastic surgery to look exactly like his celebrity crush, Natalie Portman. Physically bump into him on street one day, make small talk, and invite him for coffee. Start a relationship with him posing as Natalie Portman. Move in together, marry, and spend the next 50 years in a wonderful relationship. When he’s on his deathbed, reveal your true identity. Laugh in his face. Also make sure you don’t die first.
6. Get Really Thin
Get really thin.
7. Mind Control
Hire a hypnotist to sneak up on him and make him cry uncontrollably and scream your name every time he hears the word “sex.” This is not reversible. You make certain of this by killing the hypnotist.
Have fun imagining yourself in all of these situations with your two-timing ex! Just remember: There’s no way you could successfully do any of them. Although maybe, with enough discipline, number 2 is possible. Maybe.
