If you’re anything like us, you love a good steady pour of zin from a cardboard box in your fridge. Franzia’s been there for you through your darkest days, and now that you have a little nest egg, you’re looking to upgrade to an elegant wine cooler to keep that vacuum-sealed bag-in-a-box perfectly chilled. Just because you’re fancy now doesn’t mean you don’t still love that Franz! Here are our picks for wine chillers that cannot fit a box of wine:
1. Summit Full Size Wine Cellars SWC1545 (Hayneedle, $1799)
This baby runs a solid $1,799, so you know it’s high quality. Promising perfect temperature control and offering pull-out shelving for easy access, the product description still fails to mention the most disappointing part of its design: None of its rows are tall enough to house a box of your sweet, sweet grown-up juice.
2. N’FINITY PRO HDX 38 Dual Zone Wine Cellar (Home Depot, $1,099)
You’ll have your reds and whites in place, but you’re certainly going to feel blue when you open up this built-in chamber of wonders and realize that there’s no room for your prized 2015 Sunset Blush.
3. Avanti WCR520AS 24″ Full Stainless Steel Wine Cooler (Elite Appliance, $999)
This beautiful fridge can host 80 bottles of wine, but still somehow falls short when it comes to space for a five-liter box of joy. Who would want this? An idiot who hates Franzia, that’s who!
4. Tresanti Avalon Wine Cabinet in Pecan Cherry (Amazon, $1,200)
Made out of real wood, this wine chiller will match your rustic décor and vintage style perfectly, calling back to the 1800s and other simpler times before your favorite low-budget C-grade wine was invented. Eff this dumb-dumb party pooper.
5. EuroCave Chamber Wine Cellar with Glass Door (Amazon, $1,995)
Your dinner party guests will marvel at this sleek and sophisticated contraption, impressed that you only have bottled wine—after seeing this gorgeous machine they might even assume that you’ve excluded the fruity ambrosia of 20-year-olds’ dreams on purpose!
6. N’FINITY PRO HDX 166 Dual Zone Wine Cellar (Wine Enthusiast, $2,199)
The Merlot you’ll pull out of this adorable climate-controlled contraption may have overtones of oak and chocolate, but that’s got nothing on the undertones of regret and vomit you could have if only you were able to stash a full-size box of party juice in here.
7. Franklin Chef FBC360D Outdoor Wine Cooler (Home Depot, $1,500)
This stainless steel conversation piece will take your evenings from good to great by showing off your impressive wine collection in an understated fashion, but guests may be more drawn to the second mini-fridge you needed to buy that has shelves tall enough for everyone’s favorite sugary nightmare!
None of these gorgeous wine chillers will be at all useful to you, so maybe just admire them from a distance. Raise a glass to yourself for saving your money to spend on sweet, sweet Franz!
