Fucking Susan. She’s always showing off how much she cares about “women’s empowerment,” but if she were really a feminist, wouldn’t she back off so you can be the #1 Feminist for once? It doesn’t matter how many #YesAllWomen articles she posts, Susan didn’t major in Women’s and Gender Studies at Barnard, and she certainly doesn’t understand the more complicated nuances of feminism the way you do. Here are seven ways to prove you care way more about women’s rights than that fucking fraud, Susan:
Spread rumors that Susan lets her boyfriend pay for dinner.
A true feminist believes in equality in relationships. A true Susan lets her boyfriend buy her dinner, drinks, and probably her half of the rent. What is this, Susan, the fucking Stone Age?
Start a new hashtag that is better than Susan’s last hashtag.
Any self-respecting feminist is active on feminist social media. #YesAllWomen is old news, so start a new hashtag that shows how much you care about supporting other women in ways that other people (Susan) never thought about before! Here’s an idea: #SusanIsNotARealFeminist. Discuss.
Stop using pronouns altogether.
Some people thought using ‘ze’ or ‘hir’ would solve all of the complicated problems between sex and gender, but you know better than Susan: Easily one-up her by making a conscious decision to avoid pronouns altogether. Susan should know that the act of naming is personal and political. Right, Susan?
Whenever you hear her say words like “history” or “mankind,” correct her with “herstory” or “peoplekind.”
Because LANGUAGE MATTERS, Susan. See above.
Be way prouder of your body than she is.
At every opportunity, talk about how much you love your body, which is perfect because it is the vessel for your soul and doesn’t need to conform to the man-made standards of beauty. If Susan were a real feminist, she’d be happy enough with her natural legs that she wouldn’t need to wear those heels that make them look so amazing. It’s called equality, Susan—you should look it up sometime.
Come out as queer.
But only for Susan. She’ll inevitably turn you down, thus proving her narrow-minded and limited views on sexuality. Check and mate.
