When you lead a high-octane lifestyle that requires you to do multiple things at once, it can be hard to find a minute to yourself. Not to worry: we’ve thought up six made-up errands to avoid doing other errands you need to do, because you’ve got to run them right the fuck now.
Pick Up Your Tap Shoes From Mary’s House
Silly you! You utterly forgot them at her place while you and Mary were practicing your latest routine for the Sunday Social. And you can only really rehearse at home. Lucky for you, Mary’s sure to give you your “tap shoes” back post-haste if you just drive over there right this second.
Send Unpublished Manuscript to Kate Middleton
You’ve been working on this bodice-ripper for how many years now; it’s finally that day, and the post office closes at 5pm sharp! As you know, Kate Middleton is a discerning and royal publishing entity known for wondering who the fuck you are but NOBODY WILL QUESTION THIS if you just act like you know what you’re doing.
Drop Your Unborn Child Off At Soccer Practice
You’ve absolutely got to beat the lineups in the parking lot, so you may as well head there a few months/years early to drop Jimmy-to-be off for his first meet. Remember: unborn children can be finicky and shy, so you may have a hard time getting him to let go of your uterus.
Renew Your Passport Photo Since Your Haircut
Now that you’ve lost ten pounds and are rocking a fierce new pixie cut, it’s time to get rid of any photographic evidence of your fat, longhaired former self. You absolutely MUST get to the photo shop and replace all legal documents before a customs officer or bouncer sees you, so you can claim that you were never fat to Stephanie from Accounting.
Rewind All Your VHS Tapes
Even though they’ve been gathering dust in your basement, you simply can’t live another minute without rewinding each and every single VHS tape at home. That’s bound to keep you occupied for hours, especially without a VCR! You’ll never know when you need to show Mary your tap solo from middle school!
Borrow The Entire “M”-Author Section From The Library
What can you say? You just love the letter ‘M’ and are convinced it has a special importance to your life narrative, so you’ve got to snatch up every book whose author starts with that letter, before it’s too late! Bring the minivan. WOW! That starts with M, too! Is that spooky, or what?
Now, put your feet up and relax! With these made-up errands in your back pocket, not making it to the pharmacy to pick up those meds you ran out of last week will be a snap.
