Your doctor is a skilled medical advisor and an expert in clinical gynecology, so why won’t she tell you anything about her personal life? The fact that she graduated magna cum laude from medical school and is universally praised by patients and colleagues doesn’t make it any less fishy that she is so keen to hide personal information from you. After all—she knows how many sexual partners you’ve had. So why does she clam up when you politely pose the very same question to her during your pap smear? What is she hiding?!
Plenty, as a quick search of her Facebook page and a few dozen Freedom of Information Act requests revealed.
Her name isn’t even Karen. A rummage through her curbside recycling reveals that “Dr. Karen” is actually Dr. Margaret. Her middle name is Karen, which begs the question: What sordid past are you running from, Marge? And why won’t she tell you, her patient?
She’s barely a natural blonde. This one will give you goosebumps. Maggie’s stylist Manu (who gets quite chatty once the tip envelope opens) reveals that those golden tresses are hiding a little dirty blonde secret. What kind of person goes to such great lengths to alter her appearance, only to not even mention it to her patient whom she sees up to twice a year? Someone who sub-specializes in shady behavior, that’s who.
She’s (possibly) pregnant. To help break the ice while she was up to her surreptitiously dyed roots in your lady business, you asked if she had any children. She replied, “Not yet!” with a wry smile. Come to think of it, she seemed almost misty-eyed with joy, which you chalked up to her finding no suspicious cells on your cervix.
Then, later that day while you were digging through her office trashcan for clues, you found a positive pregnancy test. How do you explain getting caught in that web of deceit, Karbear? You expect to manage our prenatal care but we can’t be the same integral part of your support system?
She’s on medication. As a patient, you have a right to know if your care provider is performing her job while taking heavy narcotics. The good news: your doctor isn’t. The bad news: she did recently buy Pepto Bismol, according to a hurried rustle through her purse while she was out of the exam room. Who knows if she’s taking it medically or recreationally. It’s a slippery slope from over-the-counter antacids to the hard stuff—better keep a close eye on this one.
She’s been divorced twice, according to the private investigator you wisely hired. Will it affect her level of care? No, of course not. But do you still need to know? Yes! You wouldn’t let a date put you in stirrups without knowing about their past relationships! Why would it be any different for professional health service providers? You cannot be too careful when it comes to your health!!
She has hobbies. According to her neighbor Terry (who was all too eager to grant an informal driveway interview) Karen went to the Kentucky Derby and Belmont Stakes this year. Lifelong love of horses or crippling gambling addiction? Almost certainly the latter seeing as how she’s been hiding these facts from you. While troubling, this isn’t necessarily bad for you as her patient: When she says your prognosis has good odds, you can trust that she knows a winner when she sees one.
Here’s to your health and to Dr. “Karen” coming clean sometime in the near future. Remember, as Dr. Oz always says, you are your own best advocate! And as your therapist, Dr. Katzinger always says, “You have some very serious boundary issues!”
