6 Red Flags You’ll Zoom Past On Your Way to Dicktown

When life gives you red flags, you should heed their warning. Unless, of course, you happen to be on a wild road trip that’s going straight to Dicktown. Here are seven very important red flags that sped by so quickly, you didn’t really have time to read them because Dicktown was right on the horizon.


Not Listening

You’re cruising along a hilly, country road, wind blowing through your hair, smile on your face, waiting to arrive at the destination you’ve been looking forward to. But there it is: he’s asking you questions but is on his phone the whole time that you’re answering. But you couldn’t read that because you’re driving over the limit and you’re making good time. Never mind the bumps in the road—you’ve got a one-way ticket to Dicktown!


“Squeezing In” Time With You

It feels so good to be behind a wheel, driving full speed, knowing you’re making record time to your destination. That sensation will blind you to the fact that he says he’s going to be late to meet with you and leaves early every time. HONK HONK, oh well! Next stop: Some o’ that good-good dick!


Talking About The Ex He Just Broke Up With

It’s been a long trip, but you know it’ll be worth the amount of snacks you had to consume to get here. Keep your eyes on the destination and they’ll miss the huge crimson warning that smacks you in the face while you’re driving as he cries about his ex and you ask yourself, what the hell are you doing? And the only answer is, “I’M HURTLING MYSELF AT LIGHT SPEED TOWARD THE CITY OF DICK AND NOTHING’S GONNA STOP ME.”


All He Has In His Apartment is a Blow-Up Mattress and Protein Shakes

VROOM VROOM, car’s moving too fast to stop now!



Yells At His Mom On The Phone Over Nothing

Fortunately this wind tunnel you’re in is too loud to really hear it. The only sign you can read says, “One Mile to Dicktown” and you can make it with the little bit of gas you have left.


His Dick Has A Thing On It

This flag’s covering the whole road and you burst right through it, your tires landing hard on the other side and going completely flat. You run the rest of the way straight into Dicktown, which you can now see is trashed and on fire.


And it turns out Dicktown is just a regular town, like any other place, except here he calls you by another girl’s name on purpose. Dicktown is not at all how you’ve been remembering it in your head, but that’s what happens when your common sense is blinded by a city full of throbbing dick!