Every September, we celebrate the diligent spirit of the hardworking American. But what if you’re kind of between jobs and Chili’s hasn’t gotten back to you yet about that hostess position? Just because you’re unemployed doesn’t mean you have to go unsatisfied. Here are six sex positions you’re more than qualified to do:
The Over-the-Pants Moocher
This move is best performed when his pants are still on. While things are getting hotter than a fifth-floor walk-up with no A/C, reach around and see if you can snag a few loose dollars from his wallet. In the event that he catches you trying to steal from him, play it off by convincing him you were just trying to do butt stuff.
It’s a two-mile drive to Seven-Eleven and your gas tank is empty. It was a risky move that ultimately left you stranded between your driveway and your Big Gulp. While you’re waiting for AAA, take your man to the back seat to play a little “hump-er cars”. If you don’t have AAA, put the car in neutral and let your rhythmic thrusting guide you to your destination. At the very least you might end up in a ditch, where you could also have sex.
The Craigslist Cowboy
This is essentially reverse cowboy, but with a dedicated source of wi-fi. While you’re doing your thing and facing away from your man, break out the laptop and see if there are any non-threatening odd jobs available. Let’s see, there’s a post here for a forklift operator. You could totally do that.
Yogurt Out of the Tub
You’ve been standing in front of an open fridge for 20 minutes. Let your man take you from behind and do it “Greek” style while you spoon from a half-eaten Chobani. If you don’t have yogurt you can use cottage cheese, sour cream, or even mayonnaise. It’s not like you have much dignity left.
The Dusty Viola
Remember how you begged for viola lessons in fourth grade? The metaphor for your fledgling willpower and waning ambition is staring you in the face like a disapproving nun… and your guy is super turned on. Mount your man and tighten your bow. Your scratchy rendition of “Hot Cross Buns” you’ve been practicing these past five weeks will have him begging for more, Frederick Pope style. Anyone seen The Red Violin? It’s on Netflix. I think.
“I’ve Already Seen This Episode of Maury“
Wild and out of control teens? Pregnancy denials? Love triangles? The occasional appearance by Jack Hanna? Who wouldn’t get hot and bothered by all of that drama! You. Because you’ve already seen this episode of Maury. Sit your man upright and let him take in the splendor while you give him a blow job, or something. Does it really matter? I need to get out of the house and get a job. Happy Fucking Labor Day.