1. North Face “Apex Epic – Denali” ($99)
North Face spares every expense on this color-blocked coat, made of the same lycra-spandex of a classic training bra. Its breathable, porous exterior and lack of fleece lining create an ultra-slim look, giving you that boost of chic confidence you need while you smile through your developing arrhythmia at your Poconos getaway!
2. Topshop “Jenson Chocolate Tundra” ($119)
Topshop does it again – mostly out of obligation to seek new clients after most of them died of hypothermia last year. Designed for a slim fit, anything more than a tank top will be tough to stuff into this sleek coat! What may strike you at first as a feeling of warmth is actually just the friction of your bare skin rubbing against its rough, unlined interior. The icing on the ice? It’s veal leather – the sexiest, skinniest material available.
3. Mossimo Supply Co. “Taupe Windy City Limits” ($79)
Deny the reality of winter and let out your wild side with this khaki safari coat from Mossimo Supply Co. – with its cinched waist and breathable canvas exterior, it’s sure to turn heads (into frostbitten cadavers!).The three-quarter sleeve allows for that extra-frigid, not-at-all-tropical breeze to permeate your body while also exposing your,sexy forearms and wrists to predators, who may already mistake you for dead.
4. American Eagle “Plaid Performance” ($89)
American Eagle outdoes themselves with this “back-to-school” plaid peacoat, with a cropped torso that assures your tush becomes an ice slab by breakfast. As a bonus, the antique charcoal shank buttons are spaced so far apart that wind will suck the circulation right out of your core, allowing your body to go into “survival mode,” gobbling those freshman fifteen right up!
5. The Gap “Coral Expo-Pad Uniform Surplus”($129)
You’ll get thrown into winter guns-a-blarin’ in this military-inspired coat from the Gap! For that authentic “World War II” feeling, the faux-wool exterior uses patented technology to soak in water and keep it on your skin, giving you the kind of clammy head cold that will keep you in bed for days. The designer cuff detail is the signature of this piece, and provides an easy mechanism to strangle yourself when your persistent pneumonia has begun to rot your brain. Also comes with satin-lined pockets.